Woody allen quotes

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

There's no way to prove that there is no God. You just have to take it on faith.

As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions.

I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.

No matter what the shrinks, or the pundits, or the self-help books tell you, when it comes to love, it's luck.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

I idolized Superman when I was younger. I thought he and I had a lot in common. He was always going into phonebooths and taking off all his clothes.

Don't worry, I know almost exactly what I'm doing.

There's nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can't cure.

I keep wondering if there is an afterlife, and if there is will they be able to break a twenty?

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Figures tell us there are already more people on earth than we need to move even the heaviest piano.

The prettiest women are almost always the most boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Existence for eternity could get a little boring... especially towards the end.

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

Taste my tuna casserole - tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful; provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

I had an IQ test. The results came back negative.

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Even if God exists, he's done such a terrible job, it's a wonder people don't get together and file a class action suit against him.

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In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.

But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

I think universal harmony is a pipedream and it may be more productive to focus on more modest goals, like a ban on yodeling.

I have one last request. Don't use embalming fluid on me; I want to be stuffed with crab meat.

If I could only see one miracle, just one miracle. Like a burning bush, or the seas part, or my uncle Sasha pick up a check.

I see the glass half full...but of poison.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers

There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.

I carry a bullet in my breast pocket. Once, a crazy evangelist threw a bible at me, which would have gone through my heart if it wasn't for the bullet.

Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love -- the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.

The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.

Until you've been kissed on a rainy Parisian afternoon - you've never been kissed.

Who's the bigger idiot, the idiot or the idiot who gets fooled by the idiot?

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

If you take a frown and turn it upside down, the person you are holding by the ankles will soon pass out.

I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.

I'm trying to arrange my life so I don't have to be present.

You know, it's one thing about intellectuals, they prove that you can be absolutely brilliant and have no idea what's going on.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.

A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.

I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

The whole concept of awards is silly. I cannot abide by the judgment of other people, because if you accept it when they say you deserve an award, then you have to accept it when they say you don't.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

Where did we come from? Where are we going? Is there possibility of a group discount?

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.

I know what I think but I don't know how to put it into words. Maybe I could get a little bit drunk and dance it for you.

I didn't believe in reincarnation in my past life, and I still don't.

My relationship with death remains the same - I'm strongly against it.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

I do believe that reality is dreadful and that you are forced to choose it in the end or go crazy, but that it kills you.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

You mellow too much you ripen and rot.

God is either cruel or incompetent.

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

We stand at a crossroads. One path leads to despair, the other to destruction. Let's hope we make the right choice.

I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.

There are two important things in the world, the first is sex. The other isn't all that important.

See, I never gain an ounce, because, you know, my anxiety acts like aerobics.

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer. Not to love is to suffer.

Why ruin a good story with the truth?

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

There's no rhyme or reason to anything that I do. It's whatever seems right at the time.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

Heaven knows, we all make mistakes. That's life - and chess.

Paranoia is knowing all the facts.

I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?

I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete.

The only love that lasts is unrequited love.

He's a politician. That's a notch below child molester.

Anything worth knowing cannot be understood by the human mind.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings.

Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.

Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night. I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic. If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips. I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one.

Man cannot live by bread alone. Every once in awhile he needs a salad.

I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.

The wicked at heart probably know something.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Human existence is a brutal experience to me... it's a brutal, meaningless experience - an agonizing, meaningless experience with some oases, delight, some charm and peace, but these are just small oases. Overall, it is a brutal, terrible experience, and so it salvation is what can you do to alleviate the agony of the human condition, the human predicament? That is what interests me the most.

Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.

Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.

No Matter what you do there will be critics.

I was in analysis for years because of a traumatic childhood; I was breast-fed through falsies.

Everybody knows how awful the world is and what a terrible situation it is and each person distorts it in a certain way that enables him to get through. Some people distort it with religious things. Some people distort it with sports, with money, with love, with art, and they all have their own nonsense about what makes it meaningful, and all but nothing makes it meaningful. These things definitely serve a certain function, but in the end they all fail to give life meaning and everyone goes to his grave in a meaningless way.

I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.

If man were immortal, do you realize what his meat bills would be?

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Where I grew up in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide. Everyone was too unhappy.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.