Joan rivers quotes

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.

If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.

If you can't make fun of yourself, you don't have any right to make fun of others

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.

We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.

If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

Self-pity shortens your life.

When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.

Better laid than never.

My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

old age' is always ten years more than we are.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

Omaha is a little like Newark, without Newark's glamour.

Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all; grief is a spectator sport for them.

Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.

Somehow, some way, every person in the arts has to find an accommodation with disappointment and embarrassment. They are the pollen in the air we breathe. If you must go into the arts, go into them for yourself alone. On some basic level you must enjoy the act of doing it ... Otherwise, you are going to end up frustrated and unhappy. Recognition in the arts is luck and gravy.

If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.

Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.

moving on is a gift you give yourself.

I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, 'Let me help you with those buttons' and I told him, 'I'm completely naked'.

Life is a movie, and you're the star. Give it a happy ending.

There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I've Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.

Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?

Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud.

My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.

I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.

Marriage isn't a contest to see who is most often right. Marriage requires being what the Japanese call 'the wise bamboo,' which means you bend so you don't break. Treat your spouse with the flexibility and respect you would give to a top client. Think how we treat clients; We smile, we are polite, we listen to their ideas. Never forget that your spouse is your most important client.

Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.

My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "pick up, I know you're there."

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.

Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.

Two is company; three is fifty bucks.

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.

Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.

I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.

I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.

The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you're acting; listen only to yourself.

keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius' bathroom floor.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: "Run your own race, put on your blinders."

I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to 'ripley's believe it or not' - they sent it back and said, "we don't believe it."

Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you're okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now...once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time.

you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.

I can't wear yellow anymore. It's too matchy-matchy with my catheter.

I'm going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner; he looked up and me and went: You're not my wife! Another guy died during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you wonder: What would he tip? Another guy said: I want you to meet my family, and took me to the cemetery.

A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year - and has yet to receive a Mother's Day card from one of them.

Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.

Never admit that your back goes out more than you do

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Edgar had a heart attack, and I'm to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.

Happiness, at my age, is breathing

With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.

A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.

It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

Life is so tough. I don't know how old you are, but I've seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.

I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.

Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.

I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.

On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds. I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off. It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom. My best birth control now is to leave the lights on.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.

Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.

She's so hairy - when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Victoria Beckham is so nasty, why doesn't she just go home?! Her dresses are beautiful, but I don't care what she does. She's mean to all the people around her. She's too short to be a diva. We all use the same hairdressers, make-up artists, limo-drivers and greeters at the airports in LA and nobody has anything nice to say about her. They say she's rude. She can't always just be having a bad day.

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.

I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.

I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.

I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked

My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.

Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.

No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.