George burns quotes

I don't care what you do for a living. If you love it, you are a success.

Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.

It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge as I am a writer. Look, if it were all good, you'd be paying twice as much for this book.

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65, I had Cupid's eczema. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

Sex can be fun after eighty, after ninety, and after lunch!

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

By [age] 93, I had shrunk quite a lot. My car was known as the Phantom Cadillac. People would see it whizzing by and they would swear there was no driver.

Being an actor is easy, just picture someone in a room and you outside waiting for your cue to go in. Elliot Gould's been trying that for forty years.

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.

Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left

It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

Life's but a day at most.

I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.

There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles.

I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to I might fall down.

People are always asking me how much I'm worth. Well, all I can say is, I've got enough money to last me the rest of my life. As long as I die in the next 20 minutes.

Dress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket, don't wear anything else on it ... like lunch or dinner.

Young. Old. Just Words.

I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.

A married couple that plays cards together is just a fight that hasn't started yet.

Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Define your business goals clearly so that others can see them as you do.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Since I've made it to 87 so far, obviously my two kids and my seven grandchildren haven't been too hard on me. On the other hand, the fact that I have an unlisted phone number and move a lot might have something to do with it.

And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'

Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.

I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women.

If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.

Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.

Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman ... or a bad woman.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.

There's nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.

Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size.

If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it.

I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.

I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, Help! Help! Help! so I said, Help? Help? Help? And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.

At home we ate fish every Friday, as Catholics were then supposed to do. Being Jewish, I compromised. I wore a hat when I ate fish, out of respect for my own religion and the fish's family.

As long as you're working, you stay young.

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was.

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.

Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

I would read Playboy more often, but my glasses keep steaming up.

When I die I intend to take my music with me. I don't know what's out there, but I want to make sure it's in my key.

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out ... and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways - I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.

When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out.

I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.

When we played the back end of a horse we always knew that if we worked hard and did a good job we could become the front end.

The heart is a temple wherein all truth resides.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

Be quick to learn and wise to know.

My major contribution to the format was to suggest that I be able to step out of the plot and speak directly to the audience, and then be able to go right back into the action. That was an original idea of mine; I know it was because I originally stole it from Thornton Wilder's play Our Town.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.

My best advice: Fall in love with what you do for a living.

The happiest people I know are the ones that are still working. The saddest are the ones who are retired. Very few performers retire on their own. It's usually because no one wants them. Six years ago Sinatra announced his retirement. He's still working.

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.

Everyday happiness means getting up in the morning, and you can't wait to finish your breakfast. You can't wait to do your exercises. You can't wait to put on your clothes. You can't wait to get out. And you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.

If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.

I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else....I never lied better.

I find you have to take each day as it comes and be thankful for who's left and whatever you can still do.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

Fall in love with what you're going to do for a living. To be able to get out of bed and do what you love to do for the rest of the day is beyond words. I'd rather be a failure in something I love than be successful in something I hate.

What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen.

Lots of people have asked me what Gracie and I did to make our marriage work. It's simple - we don't do anything. I think the trouble with a lot of people is that they work too hard at staying married. They make a business out of it. When you work too hard at a business you get tired; and when you get tired you get grouchy; and when you get grouchy you start fighting; and when you start fighting you're out of business.

There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

In show business the key word is honesty. Once you've learned to fake that, the rest is easy.

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

At my age flowers scare me.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

How can I die? I'm booked.

From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.

When they saw me walking down the street smoking a cigar, they'd say, 'Hey, that 14-year-old kid may be going places.' Of course it's also a good prop on the stage ... When you can't think of what you're supposed to say next, you can puff on your cigar until you think of your next line.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.

Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.

Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.

She didn't need to go to acting school to learn that the essence of acting is to act like you're not acting.

I get a standing ovation just standing

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

Yale men do not like to be told anything by people who didn't go to Yale. The closest I came to Yale was once I had one of their padlocks.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.

Tennis is a young man's game. Until you're 25, you can play singles. From 25 to 35, you should play doubles. I won't tell you exactly how old I am, but when I played, there were 28 men on the court - just on my side of the net.

When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.

Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

Say Goodnight Gracie.