Dov davidoff quotes

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.

When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.

The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.

I would imagine that not having any potential could be less difficult than not fulfilling it.

If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high school.

I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

We're born alone and we die alone. So in between, let's spend time with people that make us feel good... or at least put-out.

If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.

When rappers call each other son it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.

I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.

No one understands the way I feel about things I don't understand.

I'd like to expand the definition of the word 'success' to include 'failure' as the one seems inseparable from the other.

We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.

Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That's where you find your voice.

Saying, have a great work-out is like saying, I hope you pull something.

The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.

Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.

Was thinking of taking a yoga class, then realized I wasn't gay. Whew. Close one.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

You can't fool the American people - politician trying to fool the American people.

Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.

I'm endlessly amazed by what people are capable of, and incapable of.

America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.

Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.

The Nazis were well dressed. Today's racists are a rag-tag bunch with no sense of style or panache.

I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.

Being anti-social can also mean that you're aware of how annoying it is to be social.

The next actor I meet that uses the term 'courageous' to describe another actor's performance is getting punched in the face.

I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she's what's known as not at all attracted to me.

Coming to terms with my feelings of worthlessness isn't always a bad time, but it's rarely a good one.

Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.

The great thing about having a small family is that there are fewer people to disappoint.

There are few places more lonely than a crowded night club.

I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.

Do you love me for me?... I don't even love me for me.

Cities with a black middle class provide the narrow minded an opportunity to realize that cultural differences are largely economic.

Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness. It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.

I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.

I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.

Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you.

Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.

Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.

Parenthood seems really rewarding... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.

Unlicensed, illegal immigrants are the safest drivers on the road.

A high percentage of vegan men look like lesbians.

Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them.

Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.

The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.

Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.

Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.

Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs.

The world treats beautiful people like they're good at something, which makes it so that they almost never get good at something.

America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.

Women want a man who is sensitive, but god forbid you can't get it up after being frightened by a small woodland animal.

Few things interest me more than the things people don't say.

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

Perhaps depression is a perfectly natural reaction to the human condition.

Writing a new film about cereal killers. Not serial killers, cereal killers. The main character can eat two, three boxes at a time.

You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they're a transvestite.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.

Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.

Everybody wants to be more wanted, until they are.

When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.

Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.

When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.

Suicide is like the ejector button in the cockpit of an F-15. If life goes into a permanent tail spin, it's nice to know the option is there.

If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.

The expectation of happiness creates a lot of unhappiness.

Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.

America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.

Facebook is great for getting upset about things people say even though you haven't seen them in 12 years.

Can you spare some change? is never a good pick up line.

Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.

You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.

False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.

Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said southern and sassy, it's all good. Well madame, I beg to differ, it is in fact, not 'all good'.

The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.

Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.

When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with listen up doll face.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

I'm pretty happy for someone who struggles with happiness.

Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.

Anticipation almost always exceeds the reality of that which we anticipated.

Women often use large fake breasts like a gun, pointing the weapon at you in an attempt to garner the attention their father never gave them.

You forget how crazy people are in New York, all the people on the sidewalk. When you leave here, everyone's in their car. But I get back here - I just went to throw something in the garbage, and there was a guy in the garbage. And he wasn't looking in it; he is in it, looking out over 9th Ave like a fisherman.

It's a shame that physical beauty often has such a negative effect on its occupant.

Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.

Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.

Is it a bad sign when someone asks you about the person your dating and a tear falls from your eye as you leap into oncoming traffic?

One day I'd like to beat you at your own game, but your game is badmitton so that will probably never happen.

If no-eye contact sex were a sport, I'm not saying I'd make it to the Olympics, but I like my chances.

The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.

Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.

If you got it, flaunt it may be decent advice for prostitutes, but no one else.

I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.

I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.

All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.

I like to be able to connect with people. And that's how I connect, right away. I like to really talk to somebody. To me, it makes my night more interesting.

Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.

Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much.

Health food would seem healthier if the people that sold it looked less unhealthy.

Quality thoughts will turn their back on you if you don't treat them with respect.

Anyone who says I would never hit a woman hasn't met my x girlfriend.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism.

Space and time are figments of you're imagination, unless the guy you're flying next to won't shut up.

The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving like a baboon.

The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine.

I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.

Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.

Upside of being an attractive woman; if you're remotely intelligent, people will treat you like you're brilliant. Downside: same thing.

A lot of people wouldn't feel miserable in this environment. A lot of people aren't dating my girlfriend.

Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.

I'm no quitter, unless it comes to human relationships or math and science.

MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.

It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.