Doug stanhope quotes

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don't apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn 'em and share 'em. Then come to the show.

If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.

"Close your mouth when you chew." That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too.

I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

Controversial issues are always more interesting but I don't create material about a subject I have opinion on just because it's controversial. The most fun is having a point of view that the audience is generally against and presenting an argument that challenges their thinking.

The only way I thought I could do a greatest hits album is to do it in a prison where they have no f**king idea who I am. I'd do what I consider the best of those old, early CDs before I did DVDs. A women's prison would be even better, but it has to be English-speaking.

Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.

What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.

If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.

A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.

When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.

America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.

I drink during every show. I can't remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It's like steroids are for athletes. I'm looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn't have been on stage this long.

There's times to be dainty and times to be a pig.

The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to me. Stand-up comedy ruins you so badly for doing television. I don't really need to be known anymore than I am. The slight sliver of fame I do have is hard to deal with. If I was actually well-known - I don't even know what to say to people who are at my show when I walk into the venue, much less having waitresses in diners asking for my autograph.

If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.

They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.

Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.

Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.

When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.

You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.

People hate people just cause they want someone different to hate.

Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!

I don't like being in the UK for every other reason aside from the show. It's aesthetically uncomfortable to me on almost every level for reasons that might sound petty but I can't get past. The audiences are far more challenging and while I wouldn't say I prefer it, I certainly need it to ward off my inherent laziness.

Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.

Sex is free fun for poor people.

Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see GOD

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.

One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.

I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.

The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.

Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met

Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.

I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.

If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself.

If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised?

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.

Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.

Anything that I don't understand or can't do is stupid.

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.

Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.

Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well.

There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act.

I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.

Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.

High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?

The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease.

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally.

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.

What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority.

Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

Democracy is the worst kind of government, I'm sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?

There are some occasions in which a man must tell half his secret, in order to conceal the rest; but there is seldom one in which a man should tell all. Great skill is necessary to know how far to go, and where to stop.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.

I couldn't possibly explain why the common person would be against something like that. It's all rooted in sexual hang-ups. The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society. I don't know why anyone would want to get married heterosexually, so why they'd be against homosexual marriage is flummoxing. I only use that word when I'm talking to someone from the British press.

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

People want an idol. They want royalty. They don't want a public servant. Hell no. They want someone to clap for and go, "Oh, he touched my hand at the rally!"

Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.

I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.

I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, 'Gay pride, white power!' just to confuse people.

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?

How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That's all America is: a government. There's no such thing as 'we're Americans.' That's just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You're not an American. You're a guy, you're a person, you're an individual.

Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don't want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual, natural desire and the last thing they want to do is believe that it has any detrimental side, or if they do believe it, they think it's different for them because they live in a gated community or whatever the reason.

It's our flaws who make us who we are.

That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.

There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.

Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.

Excess in moderation: don't drink a few beers every day after work, wait 'till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.

I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they're scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can't just go out and sell it for what it's worth, we're holding out for so much more!

We must not suppose that, because a man is a rational animal, he will, therefore, always act rationally; or, because he has such or such a predominant passion, that he will act invariably and consequentially in pursuit of it. No, we are complicated machines; and though we have one main spring that gives motion to the whole, we have an infinity of little wheels, which, in their turns, retard, precipitate, and sometime stop that motion.

I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.

I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.

Your sins are what make you fantastic. It's what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!

Canada, the drinking age is 18, that's unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.

You're born absolutely free except for laws of nature, if you drink you get drunk, that's a law, if you get old you die, that's a law too; if you sit on a tack you will bleed from the ass, these are the only laws that you're born with.

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.

Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this.

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day.

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north."

Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

I'm forty four; I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.