Dana gould quotes

Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

Being funny is not the same as being happy.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs.

A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.

Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!

Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!

How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.

That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

Competition is the death of art.

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.

A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.

Life imitates art but art intimidates life.

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?

To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.

I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.

I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.

Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.

I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.

We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.

There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.

Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

That which does not kill you isn't finished.

The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.

If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.

What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.

Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.

There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.

My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!

Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.

Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.

Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.

Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.