Bob hope quotes

It's amazing how many people you see on TV. I did my first television show a month ago, and the next day five million television sets were sold. The people who couldn't sell theirs threw them away.

Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's known at my house, Passover.

I was called Rembrandt Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.

Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.

Failure is the only thing I've ever been a success at.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

I can still chase women, only downhill

Eisenhower admitted that the budget can't be balanced and McCarthy said the communists are taking over. You don't know what to worry about these days - whether the country will be overthrown or overdrawn.

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.

Jack Benny really liked my book. I know because he called me up from the library and told me.

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

I led such a sheltered life I didn't go out with girls until I was almost four.

Free speech isn't dead in Germany and Italy, merely the speakers.

Your ignorance cramps my conversation

Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.

The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don't know which end to talk to.

I was there. I saw your sons and your husbands, your brothers and your sweethearts. I saw how they worked, played, fought, and lived. I saw some of them die. I saw more courage, more good humor in the face of discomfort, more love in an era of hate and more devotion to duty than could exist under tyranny.

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.

Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?

I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

Some people put us down. But I still haven't heard of any Americans trying to swim across the border into Mexico!

Don't people know that they don't have to heckle the president of the United States? That's what Congress is for.

You know, marriage is making a big comeback. I know personally that in Hollywood people are marrying people they never married before.

As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window. I asked the colonel what type of aircraft it was, and he said, "Don't worry about it, Bob. . . if you can see it, it's obsolete."

You know you've reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?

Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican.

Take nine strokes off your score. Skip the last hole.

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

Golf's really fun in Japan because of the women caddies. ... I saw one guy start out playing alone with his caddie. By the 9th hole they were engaged and when they finished on 18 they had a foursome.

If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right.

Laughter is therapy-an instant vacation.

It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.

I'll tell 'ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.

My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.

The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

Every Naval vessel has a contingent of Marines aboard. After all, the Sailors have to have someone to dance with.

I do try to work out a little. I go swimming twice a day. It beats buying golf balls.

I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

I don't know what people have against government; they haven't done anything.

I've always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It's an island and the audience can't run very far.

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty one.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

Today's ballroom dances like the swim, the frug, the chicken and the monkey are really nervous disorders set to music.

Television is the box they buried entertainment in.

I've got to watch myself these days. It's too exciting watching anyone else.

To give you an idea of how fast we travelled - we left with two rabbits and when we arrived we still had only two.

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

England occupies a warm spot in my affections. It was the scene of my greatest performance. I was born there.

I left England when I was four because I found out I could never be King.

I like to come to Washington, D.C., at least once a year. Why should my tax money travel more than I do?

I don't know what people have against Jimmy Carter. He's done nothing.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade.

I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.

I'm from Los Angeles... I don't trust any air I can't see.

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem. They're all running for the Presidency.

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

With today's movies, if we took out all the bad language, we'd go back to silent films.

I just hope I don't have to explain all the times I've used His name in vain when I get up there.

The workers love Khrushchev very much. He hasn't got an enemy in the entire country. Quite a few under it.

My old friend Jack Benny has only had one ball all his golfing life. And now he's lost it. The string came off!

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

A photographer kept shooting me every time I swung. I was very flattered until I found out he was from Field and Stream.

The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I've been doing that all my life.

Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds, but not for the same reason.

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.

Dying is to be avoided because it can ruin your whole career.

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.

Sure Vietnam is a dirty war. I've never heard of a clean one.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

A few years ago he had a big heart transplant in Chicago, a five-hour operation. It took the doctors four hours to get him on the operating table.

Don't tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation.

Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show.

Bing Crosby and I weren't the types to go around kissing each other. We always had a light jab for each other. One of our stock lines used to be "There's nothing I wouldn't do for Bing, and there's nothing he wouldn't do for me." And that's the way we go through life - doing nothing for each other!

If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.

Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn't get elected, he'd go back to acting.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

I can't give up Golf, I've got too many sweaters.

Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesn't know how to lie, cheat, and steal. He's always had an agent for that.

I get upset over a bad shot just like anyone else. But it's silly to let the game get to you. When I miss a shot I just think what a beautiful day it is. And what pure fresh air I'm breathing. Then I take a deep breath. I have to do that. That's what gives me the strength to break the club.

The only time to believe any kind of rating is when it shows you at the top.

I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.

One of the greatest gifts to mankind is laughter, and one of the greatest gifts to laughter is Lucille Ball. God has her now but thanks to television, we'll have her forever.

America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan - Go for the Gold.

It's a wonderful world. It may destroy itself but you'll be able to watch it all on TV.

She spoke perfect English, which led to considerable trouble. She couldn't understand us at all.

Jimmy Stewart could have been a good golfer, but he speaks so slowly that by the time he yells 'Fore!' the guy he's hit is already in an ambulance on the way to the hospital.

In his prime, the young comic walked onto a stage with the confidence of a man who owned it, and by the time he walked off, he did.

We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back.

Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.

The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.

At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides their press agents.

I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

I've never wanted an Oscar, although they are reassuring to an actor who doesn't know how really great he is.

Timing is the essence of life, and definitely of comedy.

I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them.

Everyone's nervous these days. Ronald McDonald has hired six bodyguards, and that's just to protect his buns.

Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power failure.