Adam carolla quotes

This is why the terrorists hate us. And it's not the glitter and it's not the pomp and circumstance. We've got black and white, we've got Hispanic and Asian, we got gay, straight, and Guttenberg, all working together for one common goal: to get the mirror ball. And the mirror ball doesn't care what color you are, and it doesn't care how rich your parents are, and it doesn't care what God you pray to. It's an even wooden floor, and may the best man or woman win. And I say God bless Dancing with the Stars, and God bless the USA.

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.

Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do.

When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the 'tardiest of the 'tards like the thick crust.

Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

I think if you create something and you get an audience for it, then the monetization part is really secondary.

I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself.

My life is about building and working and wrenching on some cars.

I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe. I know there’s no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just won’t admit it because there’s another thing they know. They know they’re going to die and it freaks them out. So most people don’t have the courage to admit there’s no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.

We're all animals, that we all respond to the same stimuli. If you want to motivate somebody not to have premarital sex, or motivate black bears not to go diving into dumpsters, first you have to think about why they do it. Telling them to stop isn't going to help. There has to be some incentive for them to alter their behavior.

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?

When you do television, there's more to do, and when you do new television, there's a lot more to do, especially when you don't have partner. I miss not having that person.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.

Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don't vote that way.

The shuttle is the worst $20 you'll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been. You have the unenviable choice between being dropped off last or being dropped off first and having a bunch of losers who can't afford cab fare and have no friends or loved ones with cars knowing exactly where you live.

I don't have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.

When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that.

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings.

I don't think I've ever seen pie advertised. That's how you know it's good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They advertise the bejeeezus out of yogurt, but I haven't seen one pie commercial.

It's like the Fouth of July in my underpants.

He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.

You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.

The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.

I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

Lets not focus on saving a nickel... lets focus on making a buck.

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

I don't burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader.

When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds.

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.

You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society.

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.

You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.

I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.

I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I've worked with women, I've never had an issue with women.

I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.

I'm not sexist, I'm just a realist.

All's the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.

I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

Welfare is monetary methadone.

When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!

When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn’t imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I’m gone for six days it feels like too much.

My first car was a motorcycle.

Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.

I'm a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.

Honestly, I've always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed - that kind of stuff.

I don't like soccer. I think it makes you soft. And by the way, you telling me it's the biggest whatever in the World, look, they drink tea everywhere too; they're pussies, you understand? I want some coffee.

If you spend your life walking through somebody else's museum, you never find out whether you're Rembrandt or not.

People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.'

I don't like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend. . . . I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex.

I didn't have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.

Life is just the time between crapping yourself.

I've got a great eye for color. I'm like a chick.

I get depressed at airports.

[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.

I'm a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I'm into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars.

All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

I'm harmless. I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. When people know you're that way, you can say stuff that the creepy guy at your office could never get away with.

If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.

I could definitely see myself making a serious movie or a drama in the future.

A lot of guys and people in our society think that chicks just love dudes with money. Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money - do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.

California is like the hot blond high school chick who's been getting by on her looks, but now she's 45 and falling apart.

There's no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I'm a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.

Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys. We're always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it.

Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.

Everything seems overwhelming when you stand back and look at the totality of it. I build a lot of stuff and it would all seem impossible if I didn't break it down piece by piece, stage by stage. The best gift you can give yourself is some drive--that thing inside of you that gets you out the door to the gym, job interviews, and dates. The believe-in-yourself adage is grossly overrated.

People are stupid. There's a lot of dumb stuff that's successful.

It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money… and not do stuff that was dirty. I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn’t very good at it.

I liked radio, or podcasting. I like talking minus the camera and the script part. All those mediums are different, and they are all different with their pluses and minuses. I would say the podcast is my favorite because I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. The pace of radio is very fast. Boom, boom, with a little six minute segment, then on to the next thing. With podcasts you can talk about something for 25 minutes if you like - there is a lot of artistic freedom with it.

I have feelings that are to the right, and I have feelings that land on the left side of the aisle. The thing is if you have 10 views that land you on the left side of the aisle and two views that land you on the right side of the aisle, then people just put you on the right side of the aisle. I'm not sure why.

What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They're the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math. If my blond lab Molly was the size of T-Rex, that would just mean more kibble, more work for the gardener in the backyard, and a harder time moving her to my wife's side of the bed at night. If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.

There are certain things women are better at than men.

People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.

I am not a good cue card reader.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, "Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome."

I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.

The truth is we're all probably more creative than we realize, except we spend our lives watching TV or reading somebody else's book. We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel.

People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.

I swear my car won't run unless I'm picking my nose: At least, I'm that superstitious about it, so I don't want to take any chances.

Maybe it's weird, but I don't feel in any way, shape or form that I'm taking over his show.

I don't know anything about computers.

I am semi-ambivalent about being on camera - sort of low-key. I don't like being on camera stuff that much. I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much. Some people do. It takes a certain breed of cat. There is a ton of pressure and you need to read cue cards. I am not a good cue card reader. Being a poor reader was enough to make me not want to do that type of formatted show.

If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?

A lot of people would say, to be truthful is to tell all, every dalliance, every crisis. They might be right on paper, but in practice, it's not a great way to go.

That's the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit. You can't pursue your dream till you're 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy, nobody ever stops you.

The thing about a good podcast is you have to have a good host. If you don't have a compelling host then you have nothing.

Don’t do your best, do my best.

My motto is "more mystery, less history".

My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.

To make something, you have to work within your abilities. Honestly assess what you can do and even more important, what can't you do.

Rich people don't pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes - they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn't pay taxes.

It should be like a salmon taking to open water. I've done so much morning radio that I won't be overwhelmed by it, but it's still going to be a challenge.

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

I used to be a Democrat, now I'm basically a Republican.

Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.

I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.

Screw guilt -- I could have sex with 10 men and it wouldn't bother me. I'm an atheist!

I guess my feeling is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you’re trying to make.

Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.

I'm not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don't even want them to laugh half the time.

I have no connection with Hollywood. I'm not interested. I don't care.

The Aston Martin is a beautiful car. It's a work of art, I love the interior and the style of the car.

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that's out of this world. I'll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it doesn't have to be between Thai and Mexican every night. Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.

No one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear.

I don’t have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody.

I don't normally vote. I'm lazy and I never bought into the every vote counts.

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.

It's something I've always kicked around, not doing the eBook but the Rich Man, Poor Man thing.